Reflections

I’ve been looking in the mirror a lot lately, thinking, “Who is this person?”

For anyone who has ever seen the movie Mulan, I keep hearing the song “Reflection” playing through my mind. “Who is this girl I see, staring straight back at me. When will my reflection show who I am inside?”

I can tell that I have changed, but I still have the same face I have been sporting basically forever. Is the change in the deep circles under my eyes? The gray hairs sprouting up from many sleepless nights praying for the countries, my students, and my own heart?
Something is different in me, and I am waiting to wake up looking like the change I feel. Not just sleep deprived but something deeper.

This season, this crazy beautiful few months, has shifted everything in me. I am stronger than I was when I left. I am bolder, and somehow quieter, taking time to speak and weighing my words more. But at the same time I speak more than ever before. I am wiser for sure, and I have much less fear than when I started.

I feel like each blog I write tells of all the beautiful things, and why shouldn’t they? But I will also say this season has been the hardest reshaping I have ever gone through. I’ve been stripped back to bare bones and am being rebuilt gracefully by the Lord. Leaving the comfort and safety of home will do that to you.

Things that I thought were integral to how I live and operate proved to be nothing more than learned patterns. Dreams that have stayed dormant are bubbling back to the surface. Hopes that have been forgotten, strengths never developed, and pockets of joy previously undiscovered have all been going through the process of birthing from the depths of me. Of course, there are the hard bits too.

Hurt long buried, demanding to be seen. Lies, silently driving my decisions and ways of thinking now being exposed. My own lack of follow through and laziness showing up when it’s least convenient. Insecurity, raw as the day it developed in me, coming out and fighting for my attention. It’s all there- in a wild whirlwind of my spirit.

And yet- my face remains unchanged. Save for the aforementioned signs of sleep deprivation. Something has clearly changed, but the change is within me. Leaving me wondering what the next 95 days on the field with this squad has for me. Who will I be at the end of this adventure? What tenacity and strength and hope and joy will have been brought from the refining? The Lord only knows. I am just happy to partner with Him in the middle of it.

I wish I had better words to say what I want to about all of these things. But I am realizing more and more you don’t understand until you live it. Living with my students has been the greatest joy and honor of my life. You may not know them yet, but I’ve got world changers with me, and I believe you’ll know their names one day.

We have all been ruined for the ordinary here. Knowing we have just over 3 months left feels… terrible honestly. Even in the pain, the lack of sleep, this has been the greatest adventure of my life, and I am not ready for it to end. So now I just find myself asking… What do you have in store for the person I am becoming, God?

I’ll let you all know when I have more answers. Until then… peace out from Mexico.

As always, thanks for all your support and love. I wouldn’t be able to be here if not for you all.

God bless,
Amanda.